I Am Not The Proud Owner Of A Penis.........and It's Okay ;)

I had a good day....spent some time with my homegirls....attempted to get lunch and an alcoholic beverage BUT Buffalo Wild Wings was on some bullshit. We discussed some things.....and alot of it boiled down to men (or shall we just say niggas because some of these muhfuggas have yet to reach true manhood?) and their pure FUCKERY. I mean is it me or have men just gotten entirely too damn lazy........maybe its due to these basic bitches, maybe they feel that because those broads allow certain shit in their lives that we sensible women...will? I mean I really don't know.....I am not the Proud Owner Of A Penis, I can't relate to that mind state. I am also not a man basher....I love men....and I know some good men that really handle their business with the upmost respect. Some things are just mind boggling. Example:

My homegirl gets a text....from a male. She doesn't know who he is at first, and he decides to introduce himself as MY friend.....mind you me and this dude have a history...nothing too serious though...like a fling that ended amicably. BUT I'm not sure as to why he would consider me his friend, we haven't kept touch in years.....the only thing I can think of is that he felt calling himself my friend would lead her to be okay with him. I mean...to each their own...I'm not a hater....I didn't plant a flag with my name on his ass.....BUT if you're going to try to use my "friendship" to get some pussy.....PLEASE actually attempt to be a friend. I wonder about his intentions....did he think maybe I would've bragged about our.....relations that would peak her interest? I mean....of course I talked to my girls about it, and I had nothing bad to say......BUT is that what other women do nowadays? Is passing the dick the new thing? I mean our fling was a looooooooooong time ago and honestly if she was feeling dude, I wouldn't mind at all. But she doesn't.....and not for any reason that has to do with me.

Whatever happened to courtship? Nowadays muhfuggas hit you with a text like "Want to chill?" "I got some bottles...." What happened to "I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner and possibly a movie?" . Is it because some females are getting too open over Facebook likes and Retweets? Now niggas try to harass you into talking to them....hacking into your social networking accounts and text messages, and shit. Chivalry is dead.....and I want to know who killed it. Everything is so easily accessible....we spill our wants and desires on timelines. You don't have to date someone to get to know them.....all you have to do is look up their updates.

Alot of times, dudes (and chicks as well) put up a front to be that ideal match. When really all we ask for is honesty. Most of time, we women, are not expecting you to have a squeeky clean  background.....we all have our past....we've all made poor decisions...we all have regrets. What matters is if you've learned and grown from that. Someone once told me that shit.....is the best fertilizer. So people are so concerned with being THAT NIGGA or a BAD BITCH that they forget who they really are...their whole persona is built upon lies, deception, false pretenses...ect.ect.ect...in other words a bad foundation. Those do crack over time.

Nowadays it's all about instant gratification.....we want our food NOW....we want our money NOW...we want everything NOW...and we'll took the fastest route to getting what we want...without even considering it's affect especially on others..........

I'm so glad I'm not single.......I'd probably give up on dick and embrace celibacy or a really good vibrator.

Anyway....I'm going to try to post tomorrow for x-mas eve n'shit...... :) if i don't MERRY XMAS!!!!!

Dying for Love, Niggas with no bass in their voice, Barbie Nation, and other random thoughts while sick....

I.............feel like shit. I'm pmsing and battling a cold simultaneously.....talk about some bullshit, right? Yesterday I was in my car and Bruno Mars' "Grenade" came on. I fucking love that song.......but love songs like that have people all fucked up in the game. So many people's concept of love is so twisted thanks to the media. We're consumed with trying to find that perfect love that everyone sings about....which isn't realistic or healthy for that matter. I told my husband straight up: No I will not catch a grenade for you, and you shouldn't expect me to. How about instead of debating who's going to catch the grenade.....we both run like hell and duck for cover? Makes sense to me.....shit.....I'm living for love and I have no intentions of dying for it. However.......I'd take a bullet for my son......no questions asked......but that's different. I mean the songs cute and all....(and catchy) BUT if you're with someone that's talking about they'd die for you.....RUN....that muhfugga just might be crazy.....

Lloyd's new love/fuck song has grown on me. My only problem is.......I wish he had a little more bass in his voice. My 4 year old's voice is deeper than his. I'm not convinced that he can work it work it......he seems like he'd be really good at.....cuddling and shit. -shrug- Regardless....I'm really digging the song up until the part where he begins to yodel....which I don't understand why he or the songwriter felt the need add yodelling BUT I know one thing and that is: a nigga that sounds like Swiss Miss is NOT sexy. The little girls seem to like it....but once they're old enough to be disappointed by a high pitched voice muhfugga.....they'll realize the errors of their thinking.

Speaking of little girls.......I may have gotten my friend put on the Barbie Nation hitlist......my bad D*La lol. I don't get the whole aspiring to be a plastic bitch thing....but hey.....it is what it is. I only ask that if you're going to call yourself a Barbie....you atleast be pretty....do your hair....and wear some sort of makeup. There's an epidemic of basic bitches calling themselves Barbies....and it needs to be stopped. Barbie had atleast 10 jobs....Barbie had a dream house and a corvette...Barbie didn't have multiple baby daddies....Barbie was NOT sitting in section 8 housing collecting welfare waiting on her drug dealing boo to get out of a corrections facility. I wish y'all lil hoes would get it together. You're not Barbies......you're barely the 2.99 plastic Family Dollar doll. If you can't even be bothered with combing your hair or bathing (this one "barbie" I came across on FB looks like she needs to soak in vinegar for a few days)....you're not a Barbie. I really feel that Ms. Minaj needs to address her Barbie Nation and let these hoes know the requirements....because they're lost.

Anyway, two weeks until Christmas....and I'm going crazy. I have a love/hate relationship with this holiday. It's so stressful, so chaotic, and so demanding YET seeing the look on your child's face when the big day comes is so rewarding. I have a lot of shit to get done BUT my body isn't cooperating. I was supposed to start my holiday baking this weekend, but that won't be happening.....hopefully next week....cuz I don't know about y'all BUT I want some Italian Wedding Cookies, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Mocha Espresso Teacakes, and homemade chocolates. ^_^.

OH...I just looked at my previous post. And I have an update: my doctor's office is full of idiots....stressed me for nothing. I will be trying for another baby.....sometime shortly....after I find another doctor. Now I'm questioning my diagnosis. My doctor diagnosed me with Incompetent Cervix only after 1 pregnancy loss. I've been reading that its typically diagnosed after 2 or more. Maybe there's nothing wrong w/ me.....maybe my loss was due to stress from losing my grandmother a week earlier (and work bullshit) or from the amniocentisis I had 4 weeks before ....maybe my loss happened just because it happened. But yea....I want to make this 2011 baby happen....wish me luck :)
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This is going to be a long and sex less month...FML

So......I got an issue (shit who am I kidding, I got A LOT of issues) but this one in particular may or may not be serious.......let me start from the beginning of my vaginal woes.......

Hi, my name is Tamara and I have an incompetent cervix. I was diagnosed back in January 2009 after losing Jourdin at 21 weeks gestation. For those who don't know (and I've come to notice there's a lot of people who don't) incompetent cervix (IC) is a weakened cervix....its typically not diagnosed until after multiple pregnancy losses. My doctor believes that my cervix may have been weakened during Jaelin's 16 hour delivery. You see I had Jaelin preterm as well....and in typical Jaelin fashion....halfway through labor...he decided to stop descending and stayed put with his big ol' noggin pressing up against my cervix....for about 8 hours before they decided to do a c-section. Now with my next pregnancy I will need to have a Cerclage done. Once again, for those who don't know.....that is a procedure where they basically sew your cervix shut to help keep the pregnancy. They do this around 14 weeks gestation. So for about 6-7 months, I would not be able to have sex...or do much work. This is a huge factor in our future baby making plans....its scary....I'm scared to death of losing another, BUT we decided that we would like to try for another child.....sometime this spring/early summer.

Here I am, I am a 24 year old young wife and mother who wants to expand her family. I even switched to Nuvaring (eh...don't love it...I'll leave that for another post) which supposedly is easily reversible when a woman is ready to TTC. I was on it for 2 months....then suddenly missed a period. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant due to the dozen negative results I've gotten. I decided to see a doctor as I'm nearing 4 weeks late.....and found out that I have atypical glandular cells of undetermined significance. Whatever the fuck that means, right?!?! lol. I have abnormal cervical cells....which means I need to have further testing to make sure I don't have anything cancerous or precancerous going on down there. I'm confident that everything is fine and this is a precaution. The doctor doesn't believe I'm pregnant, but said it was hard to tell due to excessive endometrial lining. Which can be a number of things. In two weeks, I have to go in for an ultrasound, a colposcopy, and a possible biopsy. From what I'm gathering a colposcopy is pretty much like a PAP smear but with a camera.

I'm frustrated. I mean I really want to try for another baby, and I hope there isn't anything wrong that will cause infertility. Having IC is bad enough...I really wish my reproductive organs would just fucking cooperate. I'm too young for this shit. I come from a family of women with reproductive issues. My grandmother and Aunt have had very early hysterectomies (before age 30) and my mother has fibroids and possibly cysts. I'm hoping history doesn't repeat itself. Ontop of all of my worries, I can't even have some sexual therapy before the procedure is done....and won't be able to have sex for a while after depending on the results. So I'm going to be a hot and bothered crampy mess for the month of October. I hope AF returns soon, and maybe all this will go away :/ talk about wishful thinking.

This may be TMI......fuck it.....I think more women need to speak up about issues like this. Because honestly before losing Jourdin....I had no idea any of this existed......

Regardless....I'll be fine.......I have no choice but to fine.....I really can't let shit hold me down, I can only hope for the best and let the Big Man Above handle the rest.
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That Thing...

....you better watch out....some guys...some guys are only....about...that thing, that thing, thaaaaat thiiiiiiiing....

...and that thing has EVERYONE all fucked up. Really. What irritates me the most is when people complain about their deadbeat baby daddies/mommas. Personally, I feel people need to be a lot more selective about who they're having unprotected sex with. I mean if homeboy isn't good enough to have children with.....why the fuck are you letting him slide his jimmy jam all in you without a condom?!?! First off, let's put an unwanted pregnancy aside....there's options. What are you going to do when the doctor hits you with that paper stating you have an incurable disease? We really need to be a lot less selfish when it comes to this love game....because lives can result from it....and our selfish choices (ie just wanting some buns) can ultimately affect innocent lives.

Children seek out their parents even into adulthood. We seek partners who have the same attributes as our parents....without even knowing it. It's even worst when a daughter doesn't feel she's getting the love she needs from her father. I can testify to that. I've always been a daddy's girl....growing up, its me and him....movies,games,outings,there was a point when he even did my hair. By the time I hit puberty, my fathers drinking had gotten out of control and he was no longer the father I knew him to be. I no longer was the center of his world, and I began seeking attention from other males. For instance, losing my virginity wasn't something I did because I was madly inlove with the asshole who took it. I did it hoping that it would gain his love, his respect....wrong, but hey I was a 14 year old girl....and that's how young dumb broads think. Instead he disrespected me and made me feel unworthy during the entire relationship. Yet again, I was unworthy of someone's love. That feeling can really ruin a young girls self value....leading to the repetitive cycle of hopelessness, bad decisions, disappointment, and shame. There was one person who ultimately shaped the "high school" tamara. See this one, I crushed on from the first time I saw him in elementary school. He hung out with the kid who lived up the street, so I'd see him often throughout middle school...never really had it in me to speak to him. Then one day in HS, his friend was like he really liked me and wanted my number. Dumb me...got entirely too ecstatic. Little did I know he would use me, have a girlfriend, have his friends call and harass me (I had to change numbers a couple times), and just make me look like an idiot. And it hurt.....because I actually liked ol' boy. Me being with him was a dream come true....which quickly turned into a nightmare. From that point on, I was like "fuck niggas, fuck love, Imma do me". And I did do me....maybe a little too much, but I wasn't doing anything the majority wasn't. And I didn't really give a fuck about love until my senior year....when I fell inlove with the wrong god damned person. And like my mother....I put way too much effort and energy into a person who wasn't doing the same. The difference was, her and my father worked it out. Me? Oh....he got some ugly broad pregnant, wanted me to stay, threatened me.....yadda yadda...its history, and I really don't hold any ill grudges. But its amazing what one will go through seeking out love. Fortunately....we grow up, and we can look back and be okay with the dumb shit we did. Atleast I can.....

I have a great deal of hope. And though I've been ridiculed and humiliated....I knew I was deserving of so much more. I always treat people with the respect and dignity, I'd like. Maybe that's why I'm in the situation I'm in. Sometimes I look at my husband and I'm amazed that someone can love me as much as he does....sometimes its still so unreal to me. He's a hardworking good man, and an amazing father. I don't have to worry about him fucking other chicks.....I don't have to go around questioning broads or feeling suspicious. I mean because honestly...if it gets to that point...chances are you already know he's cheating...so why bother? Even if we were to separate, Jaelin would have two loving parents....and to me, that's all that matters.

That Thing....couldve easily had me down and out. My favorite Joe Budden quote is "depression tells me I suck, I reply... I'm not here cuz I fell down...I'm here cuz I got up". We need to get the fuck up....We need to stand up...settling at the bottom gets you nowhere....stop settling. We are all deserving of so much more, and if you're not willing to accept that....atleast accept that your children, our future deserves so much more -shrug- . We gotta stop this cycle of feeling like we can fuck whoever we want, whenever we want, however we want without even considering the outcome....when it comes down to it....fucking is more than just the act of fucking.....If you fuck a bum bitch...you just might have a bum baby momma, if you fuck a bum nigga....what kind of father do you think he's going to be? Do Better....

sidenote: why are AT&T sales reps so douchey? they sell the iPhone, they are not Gods.....they need to cut it out. (-_-)
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Neighbors Gone Wild (wish they'd keep some shit to themselves)

I'm back....and in full effect....and shit. -shrug- Its been...what....a year? I attempted to blog right after Jourdin's departure from this world, and I just couldn't. Each post would turn into angry rants about my loss....but I'm okay now. I don't feel like stabbing that Fonzworth Bentley looking-bitch all in her giraffe neck anymore. Progress...y'all...progress ^_^ (I still hope that bitch gets hit by a CDTA bus tho'....hey its not as violent!). Since last year...I've lost 25 lbs....and my big ass is actually jogging (yes JOGGING) on a daily basis....once again progress.

Anyway.......I swear to white baby jesus that my life should be a sitcom. The weirdest off the wall shit always happens to me. I'm a magnet to madness.....sometimes I think God gets bored....and decides to fuck with me for amusement. I live on a fairly quiet block (except for the weekends). Its a really gay neighborhood.....meaning most of my neighbors are homosexual....and there's a popular gay bar across the street. For the past 2 years, I've lived upstairs from this quiet hetero couple. Last weekend the man handed my husband a dvd and said it was something he had been working on. So naturally, we thought it had something to do with music since everyone and their baby daddy's mother is trying to be a rapper now. The video starts out with him showing off his ghetto fabulous apartment and laptop...smdh...then cuts into some scenes of him dancing to various wack dance songs (jerk,stanky leg...ect.ect.). Suddenly,with no warning, this MUHFUGGA appears in white thongs (mind you he's OBESE) , a belly shirt, wig, and cowboy hat....dancing to "Single Ladies" o_O I had to cut it off....the next day I decided to finish watching the fuckery...out of curiosity....which I shouldn't have because at the end....he ends up being completely butt ass naked and greased (Crisco?) up. Talk about curiosity killing the cat (pun intended).

So now I am baffled, shocked, and confused. I feel like at any moment Ashton is gonna pop out talking about I've been Punk'd and shit. We spent the next few days trying to figure out why the fuck would this negro give this shit to us. Is he a freak? Is he a cross-dresser? Is he mentally ill? Is he gay and this is his way of coming out? He asked my husband if he saw it, my husband lied and said no, then homeboy was like "yo you should watch it, its comedy sketches. I'm going to send it to Ellen!" WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR BIG BLACK NAKED ASS DANCING TO MUHFUGGIN BEYONCE COMEDY?!?!?!?!? I mean there was no script, no storyline, no plot, no nothing...just pure fuckery. And now my eyes cannot unsee what they saw.....now I can't sit outside in peace without his ass popping up and wanting to talk about the damn video. I really want to be like "nigga, you are on some buffalo bill shit...and its creepy....and I am now convinced that you got some porky bitch locked in the cellar talking about some 'it puts the lotion on its skin' fuckouttamyface..." BUT I'm trying to keep the peace...you know cuz we have to live with our neighbors as crazy as them muhfuggas can be. I'm trying to find amusement in this......and I will keep y'all updated on whatever new fucked up shit he decides to make (he told us he's making another video....and we've heard him playing "Sex Therapy" on repeat)......be afraid....be very afraid.....

I need to change up my layout which is difficult to do on my BB....I'll try after this laundry is done. Follow me on twitter: @tnic0le

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