Jourdin's Ashes

I'm sitting here watching Dr. Phil because apparently the only tv station old people enjoy watching is CBS. There's this girl...who was pregnant at the age of 15, she lost the baby at 20 weeks gestation. She kept the pregnancy a secret and tried things like smoking cigarettes as failed miscarriage attempts (my opinion on this could be an entire post in itself). After delivering the baby (which I could imagine from my own experience had to be less than a lb) , she took pictures as a keepsake and buried the baby. Her mother found the pictures, which led to her discovering the grave. An investigation ensued......the girl was almost charged with 1st degree murder. After the autopsy was done it was found that the baby died of natural causes (being born too early). She had the baby cremated and the ashes put into a vial that was then stuffed in a keepsake teddy bear.

I can completely understand the guilt that comes with losing a baby, even though I'm not necessarily sure if I agree with how she handled it (then again she was 15 and what teenager makes rational decisions?). For months I blamed myself for working too much, taking on too much stress, not saying NO, and not trusting my instincts. I felt like I was taking care of myself and I let people walk all over me (the same people who tried firing me when I missed work due to going into labor AT my place of employment...smh). I still don't know for sure why I lost Jourdin, I refused an autopsy....I couldn't imagine his little body going through anymore than what needed to be done.

But this episode made me realize that I have not done anything with Jourdin's ashes. His ashes rest in my living room in a small white box next to his hand and footprints. I talked about buying an urn.......and I never did. I think I avoid facing it. I still don't have the closure everyone thinks I have. Once (maybe a year or so ago) I thought I was ready to open that blue and white box which contains keepsakes (photos, his blanket and cap). Just seeing pictures of this little 1 lb body, who even at 20 weeks gestation (in my eyes) had his fathers features, caused a gut wrenching sadness. I felt overwhelmed, I closed the box, and I haven't opened it since.

I like the teddy bear idea.........I'm going to look into it.......It'll probably take another year before I even do that....smh...yeah I know....

I might blog about how I'm sort of disgusted with Dr. Phil....and the episode......maybe.....later..... -shrug-
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile