Jourdin's Ashes

I'm sitting here watching Dr. Phil because apparently the only tv station old people enjoy watching is CBS. There's this girl...who was pregnant at the age of 15, she lost the baby at 20 weeks gestation. She kept the pregnancy a secret and tried things like smoking cigarettes as failed miscarriage attempts (my opinion on this could be an entire post in itself). After delivering the baby (which I could imagine from my own experience had to be less than a lb) , she took pictures as a keepsake and buried the baby. Her mother found the pictures, which led to her discovering the grave. An investigation ensued......the girl was almost charged with 1st degree murder. After the autopsy was done it was found that the baby died of natural causes (being born too early). She had the baby cremated and the ashes put into a vial that was then stuffed in a keepsake teddy bear.

I can completely understand the guilt that comes with losing a baby, even though I'm not necessarily sure if I agree with how she handled it (then again she was 15 and what teenager makes rational decisions?). For months I blamed myself for working too much, taking on too much stress, not saying NO, and not trusting my instincts. I felt like I was taking care of myself and I let people walk all over me (the same people who tried firing me when I missed work due to going into labor AT my place of employment...smh). I still don't know for sure why I lost Jourdin, I refused an autopsy....I couldn't imagine his little body going through anymore than what needed to be done.

But this episode made me realize that I have not done anything with Jourdin's ashes. His ashes rest in my living room in a small white box next to his hand and footprints. I talked about buying an urn.......and I never did. I think I avoid facing it. I still don't have the closure everyone thinks I have. Once (maybe a year or so ago) I thought I was ready to open that blue and white box which contains keepsakes (photos, his blanket and cap). Just seeing pictures of this little 1 lb body, who even at 20 weeks gestation (in my eyes) had his fathers features, caused a gut wrenching sadness. I felt overwhelmed, I closed the box, and I haven't opened it since.

I like the teddy bear idea.........I'm going to look into it.......It'll probably take another year before I even do that....smh...yeah I know....

I might blog about how I'm sort of disgusted with Dr. Phil....and the episode......maybe.....later..... -shrug-
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Depression Tells Me I Suck....

I reply....I'm not here because I fell down. I'm here cuz I got up.....

I'm in a Joe Budden mood. I feel like just putting my headphones and listening to all Mood Muziks, rolling an L, pouring a glass of wine and not thinking about today. If only life were that easy.. -shrug- it's not. I'm disgruntled and I have a chip on my shoulder. Sometimes I get tired of working so hard when people who don't do shit with themselves are glamorized. Sometimes I want to get ig'nant and curse people out, start fights, and act foolish. Shit.....sometimes I want to steal and sell drugs for some quick cash. Doing shit the right way is so god damned hard.......it's even harder when we live in a society where people look at you like you're dumb for wanting to be legit. I'm trying to do more than stacking cheese........I'm trying to build a fucking legacy.

I'm ranting......I don't know why I feel so down and out....Honestly, I've always been this way. I remember being a little girl and getting so angry,upset,sad.....crying and screaming at the drop of a dime. The going family joke is that Mara has "issues"......my cousins would sing "Mara, Mara why you buggin'???" .....I DO have issues....I DO feel like shit a lot of the time....I feel like no one takes me seriously. I'm always second guessing myself.....my self esteem could be a lot higher......I don't feel like I do anything right. But when I stop and look at my son, husband, and life.....I know that can't be right. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

I know y'all.....I got issues.....I acknowledge that they are real....and shit I try to work them out...... :o|

-»end rant«-
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