Jourdin's Ashes

I'm sitting here watching Dr. Phil because apparently the only tv station old people enjoy watching is CBS. There's this girl...who was pregnant at the age of 15, she lost the baby at 20 weeks gestation. She kept the pregnancy a secret and tried things like smoking cigarettes as failed miscarriage attempts (my opinion on this could be an entire post in itself). After delivering the baby (which I could imagine from my own experience had to be less than a lb) , she took pictures as a keepsake and buried the baby. Her mother found the pictures, which led to her discovering the grave. An investigation ensued......the girl was almost charged with 1st degree murder. After the autopsy was done it was found that the baby died of natural causes (being born too early). She had the baby cremated and the ashes put into a vial that was then stuffed in a keepsake teddy bear.

I can completely understand the guilt that comes with losing a baby, even though I'm not necessarily sure if I agree with how she handled it (then again she was 15 and what teenager makes rational decisions?). For months I blamed myself for working too much, taking on too much stress, not saying NO, and not trusting my instincts. I felt like I was taking care of myself and I let people walk all over me (the same people who tried firing me when I missed work due to going into labor AT my place of employment...smh). I still don't know for sure why I lost Jourdin, I refused an autopsy....I couldn't imagine his little body going through anymore than what needed to be done.

But this episode made me realize that I have not done anything with Jourdin's ashes. His ashes rest in my living room in a small white box next to his hand and footprints. I talked about buying an urn.......and I never did. I think I avoid facing it. I still don't have the closure everyone thinks I have. Once (maybe a year or so ago) I thought I was ready to open that blue and white box which contains keepsakes (photos, his blanket and cap). Just seeing pictures of this little 1 lb body, who even at 20 weeks gestation (in my eyes) had his fathers features, caused a gut wrenching sadness. I felt overwhelmed, I closed the box, and I haven't opened it since.

I like the teddy bear idea.........I'm going to look into it.......It'll probably take another year before I even do that....smh...yeah I know....

I might blog about how I'm sort of disgusted with Dr. Phil....and the episode......maybe.....later..... -shrug-
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Depression Tells Me I Suck....

I reply....I'm not here because I fell down. I'm here cuz I got up.....

I'm in a Joe Budden mood. I feel like just putting my headphones and listening to all Mood Muziks, rolling an L, pouring a glass of wine and not thinking about today. If only life were that easy.. -shrug- it's not. I'm disgruntled and I have a chip on my shoulder. Sometimes I get tired of working so hard when people who don't do shit with themselves are glamorized. Sometimes I want to get ig'nant and curse people out, start fights, and act foolish. Shit.....sometimes I want to steal and sell drugs for some quick cash. Doing shit the right way is so god damned hard.......it's even harder when we live in a society where people look at you like you're dumb for wanting to be legit. I'm trying to do more than stacking cheese........I'm trying to build a fucking legacy.

I'm ranting......I don't know why I feel so down and out....Honestly, I've always been this way. I remember being a little girl and getting so angry,upset,sad.....crying and screaming at the drop of a dime. The going family joke is that Mara has "issues"......my cousins would sing "Mara, Mara why you buggin'???" .....I DO have issues....I DO feel like shit a lot of the time....I feel like no one takes me seriously. I'm always second guessing myself.....my self esteem could be a lot higher......I don't feel like I do anything right. But when I stop and look at my son, husband, and life.....I know that can't be right. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

I know y'all.....I got issues.....I acknowledge that they are real....and shit I try to work them out...... :o|

-»end rant«-
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I Am Not The Proud Owner Of A Penis.........and It's Okay ;)

I had a good day....spent some time with my homegirls....attempted to get lunch and an alcoholic beverage BUT Buffalo Wild Wings was on some bullshit. We discussed some things.....and alot of it boiled down to men (or shall we just say niggas because some of these muhfuggas have yet to reach true manhood?) and their pure FUCKERY. I mean is it me or have men just gotten entirely too damn lazy........maybe its due to these basic bitches, maybe they feel that because those broads allow certain shit in their lives that we sensible women...will? I mean I really don't know.....I am not the Proud Owner Of A Penis, I can't relate to that mind state. I am also not a man basher....I love men....and I know some good men that really handle their business with the upmost respect. Some things are just mind boggling. Example:

My homegirl gets a text....from a male. She doesn't know who he is at first, and he decides to introduce himself as MY friend.....mind you me and this dude have a history...nothing too serious though...like a fling that ended amicably. BUT I'm not sure as to why he would consider me his friend, we haven't kept touch in years.....the only thing I can think of is that he felt calling himself my friend would lead her to be okay with him. I mean...to each their own...I'm not a hater....I didn't plant a flag with my name on his ass.....BUT if you're going to try to use my "friendship" to get some pussy.....PLEASE actually attempt to be a friend. I wonder about his intentions....did he think maybe I would've bragged about our.....relations that would peak her interest? I mean....of course I talked to my girls about it, and I had nothing bad to say......BUT is that what other women do nowadays? Is passing the dick the new thing? I mean our fling was a looooooooooong time ago and honestly if she was feeling dude, I wouldn't mind at all. But she doesn't.....and not for any reason that has to do with me.

Whatever happened to courtship? Nowadays muhfuggas hit you with a text like "Want to chill?" "I got some bottles...." What happened to "I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner and possibly a movie?" . Is it because some females are getting too open over Facebook likes and Retweets? Now niggas try to harass you into talking to them....hacking into your social networking accounts and text messages, and shit. Chivalry is dead.....and I want to know who killed it. Everything is so easily accessible....we spill our wants and desires on timelines. You don't have to date someone to get to know them.....all you have to do is look up their updates.

Alot of times, dudes (and chicks as well) put up a front to be that ideal match. When really all we ask for is honesty. Most of time, we women, are not expecting you to have a squeeky clean  background.....we all have our past....we've all made poor decisions...we all have regrets. What matters is if you've learned and grown from that. Someone once told me that shit.....is the best fertilizer. So people are so concerned with being THAT NIGGA or a BAD BITCH that they forget who they really are...their whole persona is built upon lies, deception, false pretenses...ect.ect.ect...in other words a bad foundation. Those do crack over time.

Nowadays it's all about instant gratification.....we want our food NOW....we want our money NOW...we want everything NOW...and we'll took the fastest route to getting what we want...without even considering it's affect especially on others..........

I'm so glad I'm not single.......I'd probably give up on dick and embrace celibacy or a really good vibrator.

Anyway....I'm going to try to post tomorrow for x-mas eve n'shit...... :) if i don't MERRY XMAS!!!!!

Dying for Love, Niggas with no bass in their voice, Barbie Nation, and other random thoughts while sick....

I.............feel like shit. I'm pmsing and battling a cold simultaneously.....talk about some bullshit, right? Yesterday I was in my car and Bruno Mars' "Grenade" came on. I fucking love that song.......but love songs like that have people all fucked up in the game. So many people's concept of love is so twisted thanks to the media. We're consumed with trying to find that perfect love that everyone sings about....which isn't realistic or healthy for that matter. I told my husband straight up: No I will not catch a grenade for you, and you shouldn't expect me to. How about instead of debating who's going to catch the grenade.....we both run like hell and duck for cover? Makes sense to me.....shit.....I'm living for love and I have no intentions of dying for it. However.......I'd take a bullet for my son......no questions asked......but that's different. I mean the songs cute and all....(and catchy) BUT if you're with someone that's talking about they'd die for you.....RUN....that muhfugga just might be crazy.....

Lloyd's new love/fuck song has grown on me. My only problem is.......I wish he had a little more bass in his voice. My 4 year old's voice is deeper than his. I'm not convinced that he can work it work it......he seems like he'd be really good at.....cuddling and shit. -shrug- Regardless....I'm really digging the song up until the part where he begins to yodel....which I don't understand why he or the songwriter felt the need add yodelling BUT I know one thing and that is: a nigga that sounds like Swiss Miss is NOT sexy. The little girls seem to like it....but once they're old enough to be disappointed by a high pitched voice muhfugga.....they'll realize the errors of their thinking.

Speaking of little girls.......I may have gotten my friend put on the Barbie Nation hitlist......my bad D*La lol. I don't get the whole aspiring to be a plastic bitch thing....but hey.....it is what it is. I only ask that if you're going to call yourself a Barbie....you atleast be pretty....do your hair....and wear some sort of makeup. There's an epidemic of basic bitches calling themselves Barbies....and it needs to be stopped. Barbie had atleast 10 jobs....Barbie had a dream house and a corvette...Barbie didn't have multiple baby daddies....Barbie was NOT sitting in section 8 housing collecting welfare waiting on her drug dealing boo to get out of a corrections facility. I wish y'all lil hoes would get it together. You're not Barbies......you're barely the 2.99 plastic Family Dollar doll. If you can't even be bothered with combing your hair or bathing (this one "barbie" I came across on FB looks like she needs to soak in vinegar for a few days)....you're not a Barbie. I really feel that Ms. Minaj needs to address her Barbie Nation and let these hoes know the requirements....because they're lost.

Anyway, two weeks until Christmas....and I'm going crazy. I have a love/hate relationship with this holiday. It's so stressful, so chaotic, and so demanding YET seeing the look on your child's face when the big day comes is so rewarding. I have a lot of shit to get done BUT my body isn't cooperating. I was supposed to start my holiday baking this weekend, but that won't be happening.....hopefully next week....cuz I don't know about y'all BUT I want some Italian Wedding Cookies, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Mocha Espresso Teacakes, and homemade chocolates. ^_^.

OH...I just looked at my previous post. And I have an update: my doctor's office is full of idiots....stressed me for nothing. I will be trying for another baby.....sometime shortly....after I find another doctor. Now I'm questioning my diagnosis. My doctor diagnosed me with Incompetent Cervix only after 1 pregnancy loss. I've been reading that its typically diagnosed after 2 or more. Maybe there's nothing wrong w/ me.....maybe my loss was due to stress from losing my grandmother a week earlier (and work bullshit) or from the amniocentisis I had 4 weeks before ....maybe my loss happened just because it happened. But yea....I want to make this 2011 baby happen....wish me luck :)
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This is going to be a long and sex less month...FML

So......I got an issue (shit who am I kidding, I got A LOT of issues) but this one in particular may or may not be serious.......let me start from the beginning of my vaginal woes.......

Hi, my name is Tamara and I have an incompetent cervix. I was diagnosed back in January 2009 after losing Jourdin at 21 weeks gestation. For those who don't know (and I've come to notice there's a lot of people who don't) incompetent cervix (IC) is a weakened cervix....its typically not diagnosed until after multiple pregnancy losses. My doctor believes that my cervix may have been weakened during Jaelin's 16 hour delivery. You see I had Jaelin preterm as well....and in typical Jaelin fashion....halfway through labor...he decided to stop descending and stayed put with his big ol' noggin pressing up against my cervix....for about 8 hours before they decided to do a c-section. Now with my next pregnancy I will need to have a Cerclage done. Once again, for those who don't know.....that is a procedure where they basically sew your cervix shut to help keep the pregnancy. They do this around 14 weeks gestation. So for about 6-7 months, I would not be able to have sex...or do much work. This is a huge factor in our future baby making plans....its scary....I'm scared to death of losing another, BUT we decided that we would like to try for another child.....sometime this spring/early summer.

Here I am, I am a 24 year old young wife and mother who wants to expand her family. I even switched to Nuvaring (eh...don't love it...I'll leave that for another post) which supposedly is easily reversible when a woman is ready to TTC. I was on it for 2 months....then suddenly missed a period. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant due to the dozen negative results I've gotten. I decided to see a doctor as I'm nearing 4 weeks late.....and found out that I have atypical glandular cells of undetermined significance. Whatever the fuck that means, right?!?! lol. I have abnormal cervical cells....which means I need to have further testing to make sure I don't have anything cancerous or precancerous going on down there. I'm confident that everything is fine and this is a precaution. The doctor doesn't believe I'm pregnant, but said it was hard to tell due to excessive endometrial lining. Which can be a number of things. In two weeks, I have to go in for an ultrasound, a colposcopy, and a possible biopsy. From what I'm gathering a colposcopy is pretty much like a PAP smear but with a camera.

I'm frustrated. I mean I really want to try for another baby, and I hope there isn't anything wrong that will cause infertility. Having IC is bad enough...I really wish my reproductive organs would just fucking cooperate. I'm too young for this shit. I come from a family of women with reproductive issues. My grandmother and Aunt have had very early hysterectomies (before age 30) and my mother has fibroids and possibly cysts. I'm hoping history doesn't repeat itself. Ontop of all of my worries, I can't even have some sexual therapy before the procedure is done....and won't be able to have sex for a while after depending on the results. So I'm going to be a hot and bothered crampy mess for the month of October. I hope AF returns soon, and maybe all this will go away :/ talk about wishful thinking.

This may be TMI......fuck it.....I think more women need to speak up about issues like this. Because honestly before losing Jourdin....I had no idea any of this existed......

Regardless....I'll be fine.......I have no choice but to fine.....I really can't let shit hold me down, I can only hope for the best and let the Big Man Above handle the rest.
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